Perfect Prudie

Too often I allow my insecurities to get the best of me; especially as of late.  Inside my head is a voice; a persistent presence that criticizes, judges, shames and blames me.  It constantly seems to be evaluating my worth as a human being and discourages change, evolvition or improvement.  The voice is merciless and constant, it is the source of self-criticism and unkind comments.  It says what I should and shouldn’t do and it is obnoxiously over-opinionated.

good things don’t last, prepare yourself
you are not good enough
keep your problems to yourself
don’t show emotion because that shows you are weak
being vulnerable is an awful idea
if you are not thin, beautiful, rich and driving a Range Rover, you are defective

The voice has the ability to transform into feelings of guilt, fear, shamefulness, grief and depression.  The voice rears its ugly head and destroys my efforts to become a better me.  Well I AM NOT THAT VOICE!  So I gave her a name…  Perfect Prudence; Prudie for short.

“What a liberation to realize that ‘the voice in my head’ is not who I am.  Who am I then?  The one who sees that.”

– Eckhart Tolle

Prudence meaning: sagacity or shrewdness in the management of affairs.  

Perfect Prudie is everything I aspire to be, well superficially because Prudie is VERY superficial.  She is beautiful and thin, she is athletic and a great runner because she always finds time to get a workout or a run in.  She has style and charisma, she has one of those professionally lit vanity desk areas which enables her to perfectly contour her makeup.  She is educated and successful and drives a damn Range Rover; pearl white with camel leather seats and a moon roof!  Her home is always spotless because she has a cleaning lady and she has a wreath for every season and holiday which is perfectly hung on her front door.  Prudie was able to nurse her son for a whole year and STILL had phenomenal boobs afterwards!  And she absolutely never loses her temper in front of her son because she directs all of that towards me.

Prudie has her perfect shit together.  All the while she looks down her nose at me.  Nothing I do is ever good enough for her.  She pretends to be my conscience but really she is just a harsh judge and cruel source of punishment, one which instills self-doubt.  I have given her the power to influence my state of mind and allowed her to feed me distorted commentary of my life.  This is a vicious manipulative game to her; she likes to see how much control she has over me.  She has succeeded for a while… when I didn’t want to get off the couch, when everything was everyone else’s fault, when I was too ashamed to leave the house.  She tightened her grip on me while in grief over my dad, she made me angry but then convinced me to internalize it and box it up.

“It is not what you say out of your mouth that determines your life; it is what you whisper to yourself that has the most power.”

– Robert Kiyosaki

It is time I learn, remember and practice self-love, compassion, security and strength.  It is time I move forward to becoming a better me.

Giving a name, a persona, to my negative inner voice, empowers me to manage.  Naming the voice; the feeling becomes less powerful and can help to void her effect.  Now that I see and hear her differently, I am able to disassociate from her and deal with her harsh criticism more quickly.  I can easily tell her to SHUT THE HELL UP!  

This makes for a fun and interesting challenge; because I know we all have that inner voice… Name that negative, discouraging voice.  What does she look like?  What color is her hair?  What does she wear?  How much does she weigh?  Does she drive a Range Rover too?!  Keep in mind your inner voice doesn’t necessarily have to be a female voice; your inner voice may be Oliver who speaks with a British accent, wears freshly pressed trousers and smokes a pipe.  Just know that this voice is simply your ego filling you with self doubt.  

Then, ‘invite your hindrances to tea’! Make friends with this voice of yours and learn how to deal with them.  I’ve even thought about having conversations with Perfect Prudie in my journal.  Maybe once I understand her better, I can learn to live with her better.